The Ways Of The Bribe
by CuteCrittersGang
Summary: When Yuki is unable to bribe his way into the minds of the CuteCrittersGang, he is blind to his impending torture. He seeks the help of an expert: Kyo Sohma. But the cat has his work cut out for him with Yuki's disasterous attempts.
1. Chapter 1

Tom: Hello and welcome to _The_ _Ways of the Bribe_! 

Sassy: This came out of the total randomness-

Angry Kitty: That's called the Author's Note!

Flipper: So please enjoy!

INSERT STANDARD DISCLAIMER

PROLOUGE (AKA: The A/N's behind this story) 

_**AUTHOR NOTE #1 (Chapter Two, Lost in the Real World) (excerpt):**_

_Yuki: (pouting) That stupid cat knew what was going to happen, how come I can't?_

_Sassy: Because you don't know how to bribe! Kyo gave REALLY nice bribes._

_Angry Kitty: Damn straight! He even gave us really expensive chocolate once! (drools)_

_Yuki: I MUST LEARN TO BRIBE!_

_**AUTHOR NOTE #2 (Chapter Three, Lost in the Real World):**_

_Sassy: Hello!_

_Yuki: Okay, now what's going to happen?_

_Angry Kitty: What are you gonna give us? Remember the bribing?_

_Yuki: How about caaaaaaandyyyyyy?_

_Tom: … What kind of caaaaaaandyyyyyy?_

_Yuki: Only the finest chocolate of course._

_Sassy: GIMME!_

_Yuki: (throws candy at them) Now, what's gonna happen?_

_Tom: Why should we tell you?_

_Yuki: I SPENT FIFTY DOLLARS ON THAT CHOCOLATE!_

_Angry Kitty: And that's fifty bucks down the drain._

_Tom: You really need to learn how to bribe. Now that we've got the candy, why should we tell you anything?_

_Yuki: DAMMIT!_

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE #3 (Chapter Three, Lost in the Real World):**_

_Yuki: Okay you stu-I mean Kyo. How are you? You want some breakfast? Bacon? Eggs? FISH? ANYTHING?_

_Kyo: … What do you want?_

_Yuki: Can't I just be nice to me (shudder) FAVORITE cou-screw this. TEACH ME YOUR WAYS OF THE BRIBE!_

_Kyo: Okay, get some money, we're goin' to a club._

_Yuki: Uh … why?_

_Kyo: DON'T QUESTION YOUR SENSEI, GRASSHOPPER! We've gotta learn how to bribe bouncers. You know, the ones with lists that your never on?_

_Yuki: (shifty eyes) Of course, Sensei!_

_Kyo: Good …_

(And yes, this particular A/N IS used later on. Now, ONTO THE REAL STORY!)

**CHAPTER ONE**

Yuki stomped into the Shigure's house, furious and muttering under his breath. He had failed to bribe the CuteCrittersGang, and thus did not know what new fresh Hell he would be thrown into.

"Dame CuteCrittersGang, so cute and fluffy, yet incredibly annoying and _evil_. Damn Kyo, knowing how to bribe people! … That's it! I'll get him to teach me how to bribe people! It's genius, GENIUS!"

Shigure walked in, interrupting his thought process and a rant that could have extended to maniacal laughter. "Um, Yuki-kun … were you just … talking to yourself?"

"Ah, no, of course not!" Yuki replied, with as much dignity as he could muster. "I was talking to Miss Honda, she just left."

Shigure raised an eyebrow, but shrugged it off and returned to his office.

"That was a close one," Yuki told himself. "Now, time to get to work!"

IIIIIIIIIII

Kyo was curled up in his bed, sleeping, and looking very much like a cat. But if you told him that, he'd probably eat you, so don't. Suddenly, Yuki kicked open the door with a crash.

"AHHHH!" Kyo yelled, leaping out of bed and falling to the ground in a heap of tangled sheets.

"Good morning, sunshine!" Yuki said brightly, holding a tray of assorted foods. He grew more hysterical with each word. "Are you hungry? Want some eggs? Bacon? Fish? SALMON?"

"Why … are you doing this?" Kyo asked, untangling himself and backing away slowly.

"Because you're my-" He cut him self off, swallowed, and forced words out between gritted teeth. "You're my … fa-fav … o … rite c-cou-oh forget it!" Yuki threw the tray behind him and dropped to his knees, grabbing the front of Kyo's shirt.

"What the-"

"TEACH ME THE WAYS OF THE BRIBE!" Yuki shrieked.

Kyo looked at his cousin with a weirded-out look, before is eyes narrowed in triumph. "HA! You couldn't bribe the CCG, could you?"

Yuki shook his head miserably.

"And you want _me_ to teach you how?"

He nodded his head as if in pain.

With a clap of Kyo's hands, Yuki was suddenly sitting in a desk. Kyo stood in front of him, along with a white board that had appeared out of nowhere. Yuki looked around in awe, as they were suddenly in a classroom.

"Don't worry about it, I managed to get the CCG to lend me some author powers (1)." Kyo said carelessly, digging in his pocket until he found a suitable marker. "Now, there are three conditions."

Yuki looked at him eagerly and nodded. If he was the dog instead of the rat and had a tail, it would be wagging.

"One, you will address me as Sensei. Two, you will allow me to beat you in our fights. And three," here Kyo paused, and grinned wickedly, "you will do everything I say for twenty-four hours after I'm finished teaching you. Oh, and you will not insult me, hurt me, or make nasty comments. Am I understood?"

Yuki twitched and somehow managed to grumble, "Fine … Sensei."

Kyo beamed, and Yuki found that even creepier than his wicked grin. "Good boy!" He began scribbling on the board while Yuki pieced together his composure. After a few minutes, Kyo stepped back and slapped the board to get Yuki's attention.

Ways of the Bribe

Taught by Kyo Sohma

**Step One**: Night Club Bouncers

**Step Two**: Cops

**Step Three**: Umpires (as in baseball, you sissy rat boy!)

"… Night Club bouncers, Kyo? Are you high?"

"No, I'm not, and that was an insult, so shut the fuck up. And did I not tell you to call me sensei?" Kyo asked, affronted.

"Okay, sensei. But seriously … night club bouncers?" Yuki just couldn't get over that.

"Shows how much you know. Now, we're going to need $200 each and … some cool clothes for you."

"Hey! What's wrong with my clothes?"

"They're man preppy, and they won't let us in if you go as a man-prep," Kyo said absently, staring off into space.

"I'm not a man-prep! I'm way cool!"

There was a pause, and then Kyo was consumed by laughter. As was Shigure, who had been walking by the open door with a tray of laundry for Tohru to wash.

"Ahaha, you wish Yuki-kun," he mocked as he strolled past.

Yuki was pissed. "I have my own fanclub, which includes over 90 of the female student body!"

Kyo dismissed it with a wave of his hand, "Please. That does not make you cool."

Yuki practically growled, "Then what does?"

"Nothin' you have. Now, onto the mall!"

Yuki moaned and buried his face in his hands. What had he gotten himself into?

**END**

(1)- Author Powers are the super-awesome, godlike ability that all writers have, in which they are able to do anything to anyone.

Angry Kitty: Like this! Gun! (is suddenly holding a gun) No gun! (the gun disappears) Gun! (is suddenly holding a gun) No gu-!

Tom: What have I told you about weapons?

Angry Kitty: Um … that they're bad?

Flipper: They make really loud noises?

Tom: No, that you can't have the safety off around people you like because you will screw up and kill them.

Angry Kitty: … I like you?

Flipper: (gulps)

Tom: (flames appear in background, uses scary demonic voice) What was that?

Angry Kitty: Uh, um, I mean, of course I like you! Best friends 'til the end! Eh heh heh!

Sassy: What about me?

Angry Kitty: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU!

Sassy: Wha-WAAAAAHHHH! (sobs)

Flipper: (pats Sassy's back) It's okay, I like you.

Yuki: … Well, I sure as hell don't.

Tom: Don't worry, after this, we're going to torture ... I dunno ...Hatori instead of you.

Yuki: Oh goody.

Angry Kitty: Were you being sarcastic?

Yuki: Yes.

Tom: Well anyway! To all you lovely readers, please review!


	2. Chapter 2

Sassy: … I can't think of a greeting! 

Angry Kitty: Yeah, you're resources are pretty much dried up by now.

Tom: We'll research more. OH! Everyone say Happy Birthday to Sassy, she's officially one year older!

Flipper: That's one more year off your life, Sassy!

Yuki: How old ARE you?

Sassy: Like I'm gonna tell any of YOU.

**Disclaimer:** If WE owned Furuba, the fifteenth book would be out in America by now. We wouldn't make fans SUFFER until DECEMBER to get the next one.

**CHAPTER TWO**

They had managed to get into the mall without any MAJOR accidents. Yuki immediately headed for PacSun, but the hand clamped on his shoulder steered him away.

"What?" Yuki snapped, pushing Kyo's hand off his shoulder huffily.

"Only man-preps shop there. We're going to Hot Topic," Kyo explained slowly, like Yuki was a small child. He continued to drag the latter, kicking and screaming, to the other side of the mall.

Once they entered Hot Topic (which looked like the gateway to Hell to Yuki), the goths turned slowly around and hissed, glaring at them. Yuki KNEW this was Hell! They wanted to eat his SOUL!

Kyo calmly kept him from running the hell out of there and announced, "It's alright, he's here with me." As if someone had pressed the reverse button, everyone turned back to what they were doing as if nothing had happened.

They strode past a couple squealing anime fans to the back of the store. Yuki was whimpering at his fate and cursing the gods.

Who got pissed and tried to hit him with lightening, but Hot Topic was lightening-proof.

_Damn you Hot Topiiiiiiic!_

IIIIIIIIIII

After about an hour of whining, scratching, biting, and threats, they bought a total of two outfits. ('Cause Kyo wasn't going to walk out without _anything_ for himself. He needed a new outfit anyway)

Yuki now had the man-prep gloss thoroughly waxed off. He wore black, puffy pants with chains running at random intervals and a long-sleeved black shirt that had the band logo "From First to Last" on it. Kyo wore simple black jeans with a black t-shirt that read: Penguins are slowly stealing my mind.

Yuki was then dragged over to the ATM. "200 bucks rat, and make it snappy."

"Why does it have to be my account?" Yuki complained.

"Do you want my help or not? This is for YOUR benefit, I hope you know!"

"I'm going, I'm going!"

IIIIIIIIIII

Once at the nightclub, they didn't bother with the half-hour line. Kyo sauntered confidently up to the bouncer. "Watch and learn, rat-boy," he muttered to Yuki.

"Name?"

"Kyo Sohma."

"I'm sorry, you're not on the list."

"Is it under the name," Kyo paused, sliding a $100 bill across the bouncer's clipboard, "Benjamin Franklin?"

The bouncer lifted an eyebrow coolly as he slipped the money in his shirt pocket. "Right this way, sir," he said, allowing Kyo to pass. At the last second he turned his head and winked at Yuki.

Hitching up his poofy black pants, Yuki mimicked Kyo's confident stride (badly) and stood in front of the bouncer.

"Name?"

"Yuki Sohma."

"It's not on the list."

"Would it be under," Yuki paused and slid a bill across the clipboard as Kyo had done, "George Washington?"

IIIIIIIIIII

Yuki sat, pouting, on the curb in front of the nightclub, chin in his hands, and elbows on his knees. The bouncer had called security on him. Him! Yuki Sohma! And that was only after the third try.

He glanced at his watch. 3:12 AM. He's been here for about six hours. Where the fuck was Kyo?

Suddenly, a figure came stumbling out the door, their clothes rumbled, their orange hair mussed.

"WHERE WERE YOU?" Yuki demanded of the bleary-eyed cat. "You were supposed to come right back out if I failed!"

Kyo laughed drunkenly, "Haha, you failed?"

Yuki turned beet red, grabbed Kyo's collar, and slammed him against the wall. The latter just wagged his finger, bottom lip jutting out into a full-blown pout.

"Now, now. None of that. Otherwise," Kyo hiccupped, "you'll lose your sensei, yeah? Let's go to a different club." He shook himself free of Yuki and sauntered/staggered away, Yuki at his heels. "Maybe I can find better drinks than what THAT wimpy club has to offer."

Yuki stopped short. "Should you be drinking? You're under aged!"

Kyo looked at him like he was insane, before turning on his heel and muttering, "Pussy."

Yuki was after him like a bat out of hell.

**END**

Angry Kitty: (giggles) Bat … rat …

Sassy: Cat!

(Both collapse laughing)

Yuki: George Washington? Are you trying to make me lose my whole fan base?

Tom: You see, Yuki dear, you are one of the easiest people to tease.

Yuki: WHY?

Flipper: Because you're so prim and proper and girly.

Yuki: (seethes)

Tom: YAY! Another crappy story has gained minimal success!

Sassy: … Huh?

Angry Kitty: No one's said it sucks yet.

Sassy: Oh.

Tom: Many thanks go to: **The Girly Man**, **japanesenut**, and **XEye-Of-The-WolfX**.

Yuki: Why do you people enjoy my suffering?

Sassy: Because it's fun watching you suffer.

Angry Kitty: Look out for chapter three! TTFN!


	3. Chapter 3

Sassy: Yo! 

Angry Kitty: That's the BEST you can come up with?

Sassy: YOU try it next time!

Tom: Why don't we dip into other languages?

Flipper: That could work.

Angry Kitty: … We can speak different languages?

Tom: Hell no! But we can try.

Disclaimer: Do we REALLY have to keep doing this? I mean, jeez! Natsuki Takaya does not write fanfiction! Crazy fans write fanfiction. That's why it's called "fanfiction" and not "fiction." Lyke duh.

**CHAPTER THREE**

Kyo was sprawled on the couch, completely passed out. Yuki was on the kitchen floor with coffee beans scattered around him. Last night, after going to six other clubs, Yuki had successfully bribed a (wasted) bouncer.

Tohru skipped into the kitchen, full of piss and vinegar. I mean, sugar and honey. "Maybe I'll make French toast tod-AH!" She tripped over Yuki's lifeless body and collapsed. "OH MY GOD! Yuki, are you okay?" Tohru cried, shaking him hysterically.

"Shut up," Kyo moaned, before continuing to sleep fitfully.

Shigure walked cheerfully into the room and found his vision filled with a panic-stricken Tohru.

"SHIGURE! IT'S HORRIBLE, I THINK YUKI'S DEAD!" She sobbed.

"SHUT UP!" Kyo yelled, not knowing who was yelling but knowing if they didn't stop ...

There would be blood.

"Aw, don't worry Tohru! Yuki's just passed out on the couch; they probably were out late partying and had a little too much to drink. It's probably best to just let them sleep," he said soothingly, ignoring Kyo. Inside, he was sneering. _Pansies._

"B-But what about breakfast?" She sniffled.

"We'll go out! Come Tohru, as we venture to IHOP!" He said, grabbing her wrist and dragging her out the door.

IIIIIIIIIII

Four hours later, Kyo rolled over … and fell off the couch.

"MOTHER FUCKER! … Owww, too loud," he groaned, holding his head and wincing. After his eyes had adjusted to the BRIGHT and EYE-SEARING LIGHT, he spotted Yuki lying in the kitchen. Gingerly, he picked up a couch pillow and tossed it at the former.

"Eeeeehhhhh," Yuki whimpered, curling into a ball.

"Hey! Rat-boy! Get off your lazy ass and get me some fucking Excedrin."

"… Why am I in the kitchen?"

"EXCEDERIN! NOW!"

"Fine, just stop YELLING!" Yuki grimaced and held his head, stumbling to the cupboard and wondering just what the hell had happened.

**FLASHBACK**

Yuki and Kyo more or less staggered into the house, leaning heavily on each other, drunk out of their minds. (YAY FOR UNDER AGED DRINKING! Which is bad. Very bad. Don't drink 'til you're 21, and if you drink before that … it WAS NOT our influence.)

Kyo slumped onto the couch, stretching out contentedly. "Yo, grasshopper. Give. Me. COFFEE."

"Ya know," Yuki slurred, "you're a really nice guy, teachin' me how ta bribe da peoples." Unfortunately, he was talking to someone who had passed out right after his demand for coffee.

Just as Yuki's hand closed around the bag containing the coffee beans, the room swam and he lost consciousness, spilling coffee beans all over the floor.

**END FLASHBACK**

"Alrighty, time for step two!"

"… NOW?"

"Yes."

"Whyyyyyy?"

"BECAUSE I SAID SO NOW LET'S GO!" Kyo growled, snatching Shigure's car keys and simultaneously keeping his hold on Yuki.

"Whoa, I have a car?" Shigure said wonderingly. "YOU BETTER NOT TOTAL IT, YOU PUNKS!"

"BITE ME, IT'S NOT YOUR CAR!"

"… It's not?"

Hatori, who had been called by a tearful Tohru (heh), came out from behind Shigure and rolled his eyes, before they widened in realization.

"NOOOOO, MY CAAAAAR!"

IIIIIIIIIII

Kyo drove them into the middle of nowhere. Really, it was one of those roads that were built in the side of a cliff. Kyo pulled over to the side of the road and turned to Yuki.

"Okay, listen up. This is all you have to do. Start speeding like crazy, and sooner or later, a cop will pull you over. When she or he asks for your license, give her or him a $100 bill and ask, sweetly, if we can just let this one slip. Got it? Good, now drive!"

"… Uh, Kyo? You're still in the driver's seat.

"Oh, right! Well, Chinese Fire Drill!" (A Chinese Fire Drill is when you get out of the car, run around it, and switch places with some one else.)

Once Yuki was in the driver's seat, Kyo yelled, "Now DRIVE ON!

Yuki, nervously, pulled onto the street.

"Go faster."

"I'm already going 75mph in a 70mph zone!"

"Hopeless. Completely, utterly, and irrevocably hopeless." Kyo muttered, maneuvering his foot over Yuki's and stomping down on the gas. They sped down the highway, Kyo whooping and Yuki screaming.

Almost immediately, a highway patrol officer pulled them over. It was a stern-looking man with those nifty reflective sunglasses.

(Angry Kitty: Who the hell says "nifty" these days?)

(Tom: I do!)

Yuki gulped and rolled down the window as the cop ambled up to them.

"License and registration," the cop recited in a monotone voice.

"Uhhhhh …" Yuki glanced over at Kyo frantically.

"Give him the money!" Kyo hissed furiously.

But of course Yuki, being the idiot that he is, sobbed, "I DON'T HAVE A LICENSE! I'M UNDER AGED, PLEASEACCEPTTHISBRIBE!" He threw the money at the cop and buried his face in his hands. Kyo shook his own head in shame and then smacked it against the dashboard.

IIIIIIIIIII

They now sat in a jail cell. Kyo was glaring furiously at the wall and ignoring all the catcalls sent to Yuki.

One of the buffer, braver men (with tattoos like skulls and crossbones and hearts with women's names in them) stalked up to the pair. Yuki ducked behind Kyo and whimpered at the leer the man was sending him.

"So, how much to take a pretty little thing like him off your hands?" He sneered at Kyo, whose crimson eyes were slitted in a deadly rage.

"Leave. Me. Alone."

"Aw, come on. I bet we could find someone for you, too," the idiot grinned lecherously and made the mistake of trying to grab Kyo by his upper arm.

With a beastly roar and a flash of orange, the man lay beaten on the ground. Kyo wiped the blood of his hands and looked around savagely.

"ANYONE ELSE WANNA TRY ANYTHING? HUH?"

The others scattered, leaving a shaking Yuki and a still pissed off Kyo.

"OmigodthankyouKyo!" Yuki sniffed.

"Shut. Up."

"Shutting up."

It only took another half an hour for Hatori and Hatsuharu to show up and bail them out. Haru latched onto Yuki, who gained some resemblance of dignity, while Hatori lectured Kyo on the reasons why stealing his car, getting arrested, and getting said car IMPOUNDED was not a good idea.

And step two was scratched out from the plan, due to Kyo's inability to stand the shame and anger at getting arrested because Yuki was a fuck-up.

All in all? Not a productive day.

**END**

Tom: I went to IHOP the other day.

Flipper: Yeah? How was it?

Tom: It fucking SUCKED. I had biscuits and gravy, which is normally really good, but the gravy tasted like flour. And the biscuits weren't even BISCUITS. They were, like, some failed attempt at English muffins.

Sassy: What'd you do?

Tom: Went to McDonalds, which wasn't much better.

Yuki: Who gives a crap?

Tom: I do! And besides, we've started torturing Hatori just like we said we would in … um … one of our other stories!

Angry Kitty: Ooh, ooh! I'm gonna take Tom's job!

Flipper: … Huh?

Angry Kitty: Thank you to everyone who reviewed! We love you very much! **XEye-Of-The-WolfX**, **The Girly Man**, and **mina**!

Sassy: Ew, gag me with a spork.

Yuki: I'll do it! (jumps her)

Sassy: RAPE!

Angry Kitty: MURDER!

Flipper: TACOS!

Tom: … Is anyone still reading this?


End file.
